


Let's talk about sex, Pala-baby!

by Chilly Super Punk (kelamorrison)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Gay Disaster Keith (Voltron), M/M, No Smut, Shiro (Voltron) is So Done, just for fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-25 19:11:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16666591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelamorrison/pseuds/Chilly%20Super%20Punk
Summary: Innocent virgins Keith and Lance come to Shiro for fatherly advice, sex advice specifically.





	Let's talk about sex, Pala-baby!

"Hey Shiro?" said Lance.

Shiro looked up from his intel report at the sound of Lance's voice to see the younger Paladin holding hands with Keith.

"What's up?" asked Shiro.

"Is it true that you told Keith he could come to you with sex questions?"

Shiro's eyes flitted over to Keith, but Keith was too busy looking at the floor to meet Shiro's eye. "Yes I did."

"Can that offer be extended to his current lover?" asked Lance.

"Why would you word it like that?" Keith muttered to the floor.

"Yes it can," answered Shiro.

"Great," said Lance with his usual enthusiasm. "Because we have so many questions, but Keith is too embarrassed to ask you so I thought I'd do the asking for him. Right Keith?"

"I don't know how I ever imagined this would be less embarrassing," said Keith, colour entering his pale cheeks.

"It's fine," said Lance. "This is a safe space."

"This is the break room," said Shiro, glancing at the coffee pot. "But metaphorically you're right. What's your question?"

"Okay," said Lance, determined. "How do we do it?"

"It?" repeated Shiro.

"Do sex," clarified Lance while also completely failing to clarify.

"Oh," said Shiro. "So you don't have a lot of specific questions, but one general question?"

"Well yeah," said Lance. "I guess I don't really know where to start. Like I only ever expected to have hetero sex and I know the broad strokes of that, but then hello I'm bisexual and I have a boyfriend now which I never anticipated and when you think about it's not my fault I'm clueless because the Garrison may have prepped us for space travel, but it offered zero sex ed then we got swept off into space where there was no access to porn and now we're back on earth, but the Galra wiped out the internet so again no access to porn except for this worn out magazine I found in Iverson's personal bathroom, which again – hetero, and also the pages are sticking together so I'm worried I'm missing steps and –"

"Okay, okay," said Shiro, interrupting Lance's run on sentence. "It's fine that you're inexperienced Lance, you don't need to make excuses for it. We all have to start somewhere and I'm really glad you feel comfortable enough to come and ask for guidance rather than feeling like you need to figure it out on your own. I'm happy to walk you though the basics and you can jump in with any questions you have."

"Oh thank you!" gushed Lance.

Keith couldn't focus on what was said next. It was all drowned out by the sound of blood rushing in his ears. He was so humiliated he wished he could die. He knew Shiro had made that offer to answer his sex questions and that was appreciated when it was some abstract future boy he'd be having the sex with, but Shiro knowing in great detail what Lance and him were planning to do together, it was too much to handle. Keith's hearing faded back in just in time to hear Lance says, "And then Keith yelled at me to stop..."

"I didn't yell at you to stop," said Keith, knowing exactly what Lance was referring to. "I yelled at you to stop using your teeth."

"I'm sorry," cried Lance. "I'm a panic-biter."

"Do you see what I'm working with?" Keith grumbled to Shiro.

"Oh, so that's why you cried out last night," said Hunk, spinning around in his chair so he could join the conversation.

"Hunk!" cried Keith. "How long have you been eavesdropping?"

"Um since you guys started having a private conversation within earshot of me. Not my fault you didn't see me sitting here the whole time." Hunk took a chip out of the bag on his lap and gave it a crunch. "I don't know why you're talking about this in the break room."

"Because we've come too far to look back now," said Lance.

"Hunk, maybe you could...," began Keith.

"Participate more actively in the conversation? Don't mind if I do."

Keith groaned.

"So Lance," said Shiro, wanting to get back on track before Keith blew a fuse and walked away without any meaningful advice being shared. "I think what you're asking about is strategies for oral sex."

"Ew, Shiro," said Lance. "No one's putting anything in anyone's ears. I don't know what kind of gay kink you're into, but –"

"Oral means mouth," said Shiro, cutting in.

Lance looked confused. "We're not having sex with our mouths, Shiro. Mouth on mouth is just called kissing."

"He means --," started Keith, but Hunk held up a hand to silence him.

"Wait," said Hunk. "I want to time how long it takes for him to figure it out." Hunk took out his phone and set the ticker timer.

"Figure out what?" asked Lance defensively. Everyone was silent. Several ticks went by and then..., "Ohhhhhh. Blow jobs. Yes, I was asking about blow jobs."

"Sixteen ticks," said Hunk, stopping the timer.

"So I make Keith bleed just the tiniest bit," said Lance, "And now he won't let me try again."

"No, stop," said Keith. "Stop."

"How am I supposed to get better if you won't let me practice?" Lance asked Keith.

"I meant stop talking!" yelled Keith.

"You know instead of practicing on each other," said Shiro. "You could use a banana."

"How is using food going to be make me less bitey?" asked Lance.

"You should definitely practice with props," said Pidge, spinning around in her seat to face the convo.

"Now I know you haven't been there the whole time!" Keith accused her.

"I've been here since last night," said Pidge. She had her laptop on her lap which meant she really could've been there for days without noticing the passage of time. "I was sleeping until your After School Special talk woke me up. But seriously though, you need to practice away from Keith. Want me to design you a sex simulator before you put your thing down, flip it, and reverse it? I just hate to think of you trying to thread the needle with Keith as the needle."

"Ouch," said Hunk. "You could end up losing a wing again, Tailor."

"Who the hell is Taylor?" asked Keith.

"We're talking explosion on impact," Pidge laughed. "And not the kind of explosion you want to give Keith." Hunk and Pidge erupted into laughter.

"THAT'S IT!" yelled Keith, throwing Lance's hand aside. "I'm done!" Keith turned to storm out of the room.

"Keith, wait!" said Lance.

"No! I should've never have agreed to this!"

Lance ran after his boyfriend. "Don't be embarrassed, babe! Sex is natural!"

Shiro watched them go, feeling like he'd really failed at parenting despite not being a parent to anyone. He turned and looked at the other two who had finally stopped laughing. "Anyone else need sex advice? What about you, Pidge? You need the sex talk?"

This made Pidge start laughing again and she continued for a good half minute until she stopped and with a straight face said, "Pass. Pass forever."

"Okay..." said Shiro. "If you change your mind..."

"Not happening. Thanks for the offer though. Misdirected though it was."

"What about you, Hunk? Any questions?"

"Uh," started Hunk, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm not so much curious about sex with men as I am about sex with another species..."

"Sick, Hunk," said Pidge. "Kaltenecker can't consent."

"Okay, I'm obviously talking about my girlfriend."

"You can call her your girlfriend all you want, but she's still a bovine."

"I mean Shay, Pidge!" snapped Hunk.

"Way to imply Shay's a cow," said Pidge with a shrug.

"I didn't do that, you did!"

"Real talk though," said Pidge, "Shay's a great lady. Real happy for you two."

"Aw thanks pal."

"Shiro!" They all looked to see Allura run into the room, gripping the side of the doorframe to slow her momentum. "I just ran into Lance and a hysterical Keith. Is it true you're handing out sex advice to the Paladins?"

Shiro blushed, realizing he was in trouble. "It's not what you think. They're old enough and they asked and... Sorry. Yes. I am."

"Great!" said Allura, grabbing her own chair and plopping down in front of Shiro. "I have so many questions of my own!"

This did nothing to cool Shiro's blush. Was it possible even Allura had no experience in this department? "I'm happy to try to answer them, Princess. I do have to warn you my experience is with human men and I don't know anything about Altean anatomy. Isn't there someone else you could...?" Shiro trailed off remembering that Allura's parents were dead along with 99.9% of her people. "You know what, I'll try my best. I think Hunk had a question first so let's start there and we'll take turns between the two of you."

"Goody!"

"This seems less funny and I'm officially not interested," said Pidge, peeling herself out of her chair and moving for the first time in twelve hours. "Ah!" she yelled as her still asleep legs gave way and she dropped onto the ground.

Hunk burst out laughing. "Did you enjoy your trip? Maybe you should've worn... protection! Get it? Protection?"

"What about protection?" asked Allura, confused.

Shiro looked at Allura with alarm. "Okay, we have a lot of ground to cover!"


End file.
